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a Serrato
A long-term partner role has opened in the life of Antonio “Tony” Serrato. Full-time, permanent, sacramental. The candidate is Catholic — professionally so — has brown eyes that people comment on unprompted, and will wave at you from clear across a parking lot. Applications are reviewed on a rolling basis.
- 2Brown eyes. Both gorgeous.
- 100% Catholic · elected, even
- 0People he won't wave at
He is already waving. He started before you got here.
Antonio “Tony” Serrato
Long-Term Partner Candidate · Boyfriend (Aspiring)
- Faith: Catholic — President, KSU Catholic Center
- Greeting policy: Waves first
- Eyes: Brown, widely remarked upon
- Languages: Español / English
- Music: Pop, unapologetically
- Available immediately
- applications@serrato.date
Objective
To find one person to wave at for the rest of his life. Seeking a partner who shares the faith, waves back without checking whether it was meant for someone else, and understands that the playlist is not up for negotiation. Willing to relocate. Unwilling to be embarrassed.
Executive Summary
Warm, unguarded, relentlessly sincere candidate currently serving as elected president of a campus ministry — a real job, with real hours and no pay, which he does well. Known across an entire university as the person who says hello first. Bilingual. Remembers names on one pass. Holds eye contact like it costs him nothing. Currently meeting or exceeding every stated life goal except the one this listing exists to fill.
The Wave (SOP-001 · standard operating procedure)
- 1.0
- ScopeApplies to all persons within line of sight, without exception, at any distance up to and including the far side of a parking lot.
- 2.0
- ProcedureRaise hand. Wave. Continue waving fractionally past the point at which the other party has looked away.
- 3.0
- EligibilityNo prior relationship required. Having met once is sufficient. Having never met is, in practice, also sufficient.
- 4.0
- Known issuesLogged, acknowledged, unresolved:
- 4.1
- Has waved at people who were waving at someone behind him. Committed to the bit. Did not lower the hand.
- 4.2
- Has waved from a moving vehicle. Both parties survived. The wave was returned.
- 4.3
- Is known to a non-trivial number of people exclusively as "the guy who waves." He considers this the highest honor available to a layperson.
- 5.0
- ExceptionsNone on file. None anticipated.
This document has never been revised, because the procedure has never failed. If you are reading this and you have met him, you have been waved at. If you are reading this and you have not met him, that is a scheduling problem and it is temporary.
The Eyes (Schedule B · ocular disclosure)
- Quantity
- Two.
- Color
- Brown. Warm brown. That brown.
- Described as
- "Gorgeous." Never by him.
- Eye contact
- Held. Comfortably. Rarer than it should be.
- Effect
- Documented. Ask anyone on the receiving end.
- Awareness
- Aware. The way a tall person is aware.
- Warranty
- None offered. None has been needed.
The candidate would like the record to show that he has never once brought this up himself, and that it comes up anyway, every time, usually within the first ten minutes, usually from someone he has just met.
Now Playing (disclosed in the interest of transparency)
The candidate's listening history has been reviewed. It is pop. It is unrepentant. It is, with very few exceptions, made by women in their twenties, and he knows every word to all of it. Deployment schedule:
- 01In the carEvery word, full volume, windows up, no notes.
- 02At the gymSame, but with worse form.
- 03Between Catholic Center eventsHeadphones on. You can still hear it. That is the point.
- 04In mixed companyWill not pretend it's ironic. Has never pretended it's ironic.
- 05When asked to defend itDeclines. Correctly.
Core Competencies
Additional skills: running a meeting that starts on time and ends with food, introducing two people who should have met a year ago, switching languages mid-sentence for whoever just walked up, and being genuinely happy to see you at 8 a.m.
Professional Experience (entry-level applicant)
Full disclosure up top: the candidate has no prior experience in this particular role. He has a great deal of experience in everything that turns out to matter for it.
President · Catholic Center at Kennesaw State University
Elected · Serving- Runs a student community: real hours, real responsibility, no pay, no complaints.
- Knows every name in a room of a hundred and uses all of them, out loud, correctly.
- Starts meetings on time. Ends them with food. Both of these are leadership.
- Elected by people who had other options and picked him anyway.
Greeter · Unaffiliated, Self-Appointed, Unsalaried
Ongoing · No Off-Season- Has never once let a person walk past unacknowledged. Not once. Ask around.
- Coverage area includes hallways, parking lots, moving vehicles, and the far side of Mass.
- Zero compensation. Zero complaints. Zero days without incident, by design.
Curator · An Aggressively Sincere Playlist
Continuous- Maintains a rotation with zero irony, zero apology, and full knowledge of every lyric.
- Will play it in your car. Will not ask first. Will sing. Will look at you while singing.
- Has quietly converted several skeptics. Most of them still deny it.
Hijo, Hermano · Familia Serrato
Lifetime Appointment- Answers in whichever language the question arrived in, without pausing to switch.
- Introduced to relatives you will not remember. He remembers every one of them.
- Learned hospitality at home. This is, ultimately, the whole explanation for the waving.
Education & Certifications
- Enrolled: Kennesaw State University.
- Elected: President, KSU Catholic Center. He would want it noted that this is a service role and not an honor — which is exactly the sort of thing that gets a person elected.
- Sacraments: The complete set. Confirmation name on file, available under separate cover.
- Bilingual: Spanish and English, switched mid-sentence for whoever just joined the conversation.
- Certified: Can greet two hundred people individually and mean it every single time.
- Not certified: Cannot be talked out of the playlist. Attempts have been logged. All unsuccessful.
Candidate Requirements (what we're looking for in you)
Required
- Shares the Catholic faith (this one's genuine, not a bit)
- Waves back
- Kind when nobody is keeping score
- Can hold eye contact without reaching for a phone
Preferred
- Knows the words — or is willing to learn them
- At ease in a room where everyone already knows him
- Speaks Spanish, or is happy to be taught badly
- Has a favorite track and will defend it out loud
Dealbreakers
- Leaves a wave hanging
- Thinks sincerity is embarrassing
- Rude to people who can't do anything for you
- "I'm not really a music person"
Compensation & Benefits
This role offers a competitive total rewards package, vested immediately:
The Wave
Directed at you, specifically, from an unreasonable distance, for the rest of your natural life. Non-transferable. Cannot be revoked, including by you.
Sustained Attention
The full eye contact of a person who is genuinely listening. Increasingly rare on the open market. Included at no additional cost.
Spiritual Benefits
A standing invitation to Mass and to whatever the Catholic Center is doing on a Tuesday. He'll introduce you to everyone. Everyone will already know your name.
Audio Package
Aux privileges, granted on day one. Please note they are shared, not transferred. He will sing over your song. He means well.
Family Plan
Immediate enrollment in a large family. Coverage includes food you did not ask for and a great-aunt who will decide several things about you before dessert.
Full Coverage
Answers on the first ring. Calls back. Remembers the thing you were nervous about and asks how it went.
Attachments (submitted unprompted)
The candidate has enclosed photographs. Nobody requested photographs. They are offered in support of the claims made above and, in one instance, twice.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this a joke?
Yes. Also no. It's a joke that would be extremely pleased to be taken seriously by the right person.
Does he really wave at everyone?
Yes. There is no filter, no threshold, and no cooldown. If you are within his field of view you are getting a wave. If you are unsure whether it was meant for you, it was. See SOP-001 above, which is not a bit.
What's the deal with the eyes?
Brown, large, and the subject of unsolicited commentary since roughly middle school. He is aware of them the way a tall person is aware they're tall — which is to say he would much rather talk about something else, and he never once gets to.
Is the music thing real?
Completely. The playlist is pop, it is largely by women in their twenties, and he knows every word to every song on it. He has been handed many opportunities to call it ironic. He has declined all of them, on the spot, without hesitating.
He's actually president of the Catholic Center?
He is — elected, at Kennesaw State. It's a real job with real hours and no pay, and he does it well. It's also about the fastest way there is to find out whether somebody is who they claim to be, and he came out of it fine.
Will his family like me?
They will have decided before you arrive. Resistance isn't part of the process. Bring nothing — they'll be offended either way, and they'll feed you regardless.
Who made this website?
A friend. Tony found out about it the same way you did, and then — this is true — waved.
What if I'm not looking for anything serious?
Respect, and no hard feelings. Different role, different listing. Best of luck out there. He'll still wave.
References
Available upon request, and there are a great many of them — this is a man who knows everybody. Expect his mother (unrestrained), most of a campus ministry, and a long tail of people who will simply say “oh — the guy who waves?” and then vouch for him completely.
Ready to apply?
Submit Your Application
No cover letter required. Say hello, tell him one true thing about yourself, and know that the next time he spots you he is going to wave. He always does.
Applications reviewed personally. No bots, no recruiters, no "hey :)" and nothing else.